What doesn’t kill you

I like a good yarn as much as a good meal. As the wine flows and the meal wears on, smalltalk gives way to the lengthy summers of memory, gravelly reminiscences and a wheezy chuckle of how things have changed.

And lists of things. Like things that do children no harm, e.g. smoking, drinking, lead-based paint, drug overdoses, cranial trauma, car crashes, hitchhiking, playing in rivers, corporal punishment, undiagnosed diabetes, asbestos and cancer.

That’s where Barry Thomas comes in. Should he accept my invitation, I shall commission a special menu just for him, of roast beef and dripping, real ale and heroin.

"CONGRATULATIONS to all my friends who were born in the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s and 1960s.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us, and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured, lead-based paints.

There weren't any childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we didn't have any helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children we would ride in cars without any seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose, and not from a bottle. Takeaway food was limited to fish and chips.

No pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nando's. Even though all the shops closed at 6pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and turn them in for cash at the corner shop, when we could then buy some sweets.

We ate cup cakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in them, but we weren't overweight because we were always playing outside.

Summer holidays we would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day, but we were okay.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We didn't have any Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-Boxes, video games or TVs. No mobile phones, no personal computers, no internet or chat rooms; but we had friends and went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth but there weren't any lawsuits from these little incidents. Only girls had pierced ears.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, but the worms didn't live in us forever.

We could only buy Easter eggs and hot cross buns at Easter time. We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays. We rode bikes or ran to a friend's house and knocked on the door or even walked in.

Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Joneses.

Our teachers used to hit us, when needed, with canes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if we weren't concentrating.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of because they actually sided with the law.

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their children like 'Kiora', 'Blade' or 'Vanilla'.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and learned how to deal with it all. So, if you are one of these people; congratulations."