Way down deep in de middle of de congo

Like any red-blooded man, I enjoy a nice round of football. However, due to selective colour-blindness I cannot see the dark skin players against what I’m told is the greenness of the grass and therefore have a genetic basis for preferring them not to play the “Beautiful Game”.

What a relief it was, then, to come across Mike Phelps in the Daily Mail, who rightly suggests that only the most important World Cup matches are played. Indeed, I had no idea Bulimia had qualified and thus no conceivable interest in watching them. I would go further, and only allow the top five teams who eventually win to play in the first place, thus saving time!