Publish and be damned

In amongst all the hand-wringing over the Newtown shootings, there is at least one lone voice in the wilderness who sees the crux of the problem - not enough guns in schools. More importantly than that, not enough God in schools.

Introducing Bryan Fisher, head of Issues Research at the American family Association. Not for him the issues of social alienation and gun control: For him the solution is simple - arm the teachers and let God back into the classroom.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Two problems with schools: they are gun-free zones and God-free zones. The second problem the most important to solve.

As you will be aware, most schools have a policy of escorting god from the premises upon sight, and some have filed restraining orders requiring Him to come no closer than ten feet from the site perimeter, leaving Him powerless but to hurl autographed bibles over the playground wall and try to strike up conversations with parents on the school run. Then, on the fateful day that a heavily-armed lunatic attacks the school, He can only stand by and watch rather than rushing to intervene, perhaps with a thunderbolt, perhaps with His karate.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

We've spent 50 years kicking God out of our public schools, then wonder why he's not around when we need him.

But what can we do? Well, firstly we need to completely overhaul our prayer strategy:

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Huckabee is right: we should pray to God BEFORE these tragedies instead of waiting until it's too late.

We’ve been fools. There we are praying for the souls of the departed, when we could have called on god to find the would-be perpetrator to preemptively kick the little shit’s backside before he has a chance to get into his battle fatigues! God often works in mysterious, imperceptible ways but I’m imagining something like Final Destination, where our would-be assailant is chopped up by his own electric toothbrush, or impaled by a canoe.

However, even this radical course of action is not foolproof. God may be omnipotent, omnipresent and able to intervene directly in human events, but this has limits. The only way to be sure our children are safe is to arm the teachers.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Shooters attack an elementary school in CT - another "gun-free zone." Makes children sitting ducks. http://www.kltv.com/story/20345707/school-shooting-reported-in-newtown …

What teacher, instead of bundling their kids into cupboards, wouldn’t prefer to get into a shootout with a suicidal maniac with a machine gun? This leads us to a secondary issue of what guns our teachers should be packing. A .45 is fine for a grocery store holdup, but what’s important is equivalence, which is why I will be calling for all teachers to be issued with an Uzi, two grenades and a Kalashnikov.

Of course, guns and god aren’t the only topics playing on Mr Fischer’s mind, which is why I’m sure he’ll make a fascinating dinner guest with his thesis on gay marriage:

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Gays already have full marriage equality: can marry one adult, non-relative member of opposite sex like everybody else.

Magnificent! You see, marriages didn’t occur before Christianity in every recorded civilisation on earth, and certainly never between people of the same gender!

I am of course concerned that Mr Fischer doesn’t abide by the other commands of the Bible, such as refraining from shellfish, stoning blasphemers and growing a beard, but I’m sure he will have a really well-reasoned argument why God doesn’t mind him breaking His immutable word, not to mention why he should be critical of the tax regime, when it has been established by God himself:

Romans 13:2

"Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves."

Badly stuffed

Cruising the interwebs with my Assistant Leroy (he operates the mouse, I bark instructions - “left”, “right”, “cats please” etc) I was delighted to come across this post from the ever-delightful Daily Mail on the lost art of taxidermy. 

It seems that these hapless plebs have been ROBBING THE DIGNITY of animals, who otherwise would have enjoyed the dignified end of having a spike driven up their arsehole and mounted, when what should we see?! A FUNNY-LOOKING LADY!!!!!

The intellerati of the Mail were there quick as a flash to point out to the woman that her face was indeed HILARIOUSLY UGLY! This is good because otherwise she’d have had no way of knowing that she looked like a dog - no offense, of course. Here are the Top Ten rated comments:

I don't know who looks worse on the 6th picture down. The woman or the dog!?....- Molkomad, Leeds, 19/9/2012 15:37 

that women looks just like that dog....no offence to her...just unfortunate face- yaz, brum, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 15:42

The human with the dog, could you please state which one of them is stuffed! to me the dog looks better than the girl - blueyonda, espoo, 19/9/2012 16:08

Ha ha ha hilarious! The woman with the dog is uglier than the dog....- carlinc, cheltenham UK, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 16:55 

That's alright, I didn't really want to sleep tonight anyway...- Jakers, Worcester, 19/9/2012 15:36

was the woman stuffed in 6th picture? - the lady...., residing in suffolk, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 16:07

All pretty terrible, but I think the most disturbing image is that woman's face :/ - BB, Birmingham, 19/9/2012 22:51

I love the birds playing pool!!! And yes, sadly, the woman looks much uglier than the dog - Mike Oxlong, Cockburn Town, Australia, 19/9/2012 16:17

Lovely, lovely people all of them. It just makes me glad to know that if I were ever to suffer a disfigurement, be born with a face outside of the normal range or just indeed be photographed at an unfortunate angle, the fine, upstanding readers of the daily Mail will be there to laugh and point.

Oh, Jesus

You know, I love the Daily Mail as much as the next man. It’s just so normal isn’t it? It just says what people should be thinking. And if they’re not, then they should be forced to think it.

There is one exception however. A recent story where they have playfully suggested that the Bible is not the One True Word of Almighty God. According to some heretics, the Bible was just a compendium of differing accounts of Jesus and several accounts had to be modified or discarded as they claimed diametrically opposed teachings.

I am of the more sensible view that it was all written at once and anyone who produces documentary evidence to the contrary is the devil who has taken a human form. But I am not going to debate this now, because there is no need to. Produce all the “proof” you want that there are multiple interpretations, or that the whole thing is just some made-up nonsense but know this:

some research cannot be the basis for denying what we have been taught since birth..

- roma, india, 19/9/2012 6:17

We are unshakable in our faith.

A couple of tits

Oh so now it’s Kate Middleton topless is it? Eh?! ALRIGHT is it? Just a bit of HARMLESS FUN is it Kate? NO! It’s a BLOODY OUTRAGE is what it is!

I am seething. You can have a lot of things in this modern ENGLAND. I’ll let you have your Tescos Metros, your internet. I quite like microwaves! But the FUTURE QUEEN with her BAPS. OUT. I’m afraid is a BIG! FAT! NO!

I’m sorry. I need to calm down. Look at this rationally. How did this come to pass?

lewis j cook knows:

“the bb gen were ww3 gen but now their 666 tv sex revolution made offspring falsely assume this 666 tv and tv govt is the way of the new milleneum.” lewis j cook

Are you sure? Are you saying we should have had a war, but instead got caught up with 666 tv sex? And what does this have to do with the Queen’s tits?

“this is the 1964 british perpetuated sex revolution comeing back to haunt the british monarchy who perpetuated this in usa to subvert the usa .” lewis j cook

Oh I see! It was the Royals who attempted to subvert the USA with a 666 tv sex revolution. Who knew they had it in them?! Still, I’m not sure the tone is yet vindictive enough...

“Don't know why we are too surprised the French would sell their own grandmothers for few francs sums up there Country and their culture. We should have left them under German rule.....well they are now anyway!!” wythall wanderer

That’s much better, thank you. BLOODY FROGS! Sell their own grandmothers for an onion they would or a bottle of wine or a bike or a stripy jumper or an accordion, some frogs legs, a tower, some bread or just a big box of Surrender.

The last word has to go to Stevio, though. Because, when our future Queen goes on holiday to France and is snapped with a long lens by a paparazzoid, one issue stands out above them all:

“If only the Muslim community could have vented their anger on a public forum over that 'controversial' film, rather than going on a killing rampage.” stevio

Precisely.

When In Rome......

And so to the tricky subject of Sharia Law.


I think we can all agree that Sharia Law is disgusting. Nowhere in ENGLISH life do the six principles of Sharia...


1. The right to the protection of life.
2. The right to the protection of family.
3. The right to the protection of education.
4. The right to the protection of religion.
5. The right to the protection of property (access to resources).
6. The right to the protection of human dignity.


...have any place, but worse some foreigner tried to corrupt them further to deny his ex-wife maintenance. Although I fully agree with the subjugation of women and disagree wholeheartedly with the judge’s decision, I was impressed by the way the Intellerati were quick to point out his mistake, in the way only they can. Now, what was that phrase again?

When in Rome you have to act like Romans? - Viscount, Manchester, 26/7/2012 9:12

No.

"When in Rome do as the Romans"- Trinity, manchester, 26/7/2012 9:12

Closer.

When in Rome as the old saying goes, we need more judges like this- Fed up of Farnborough, Farnborough, 26/7/2012 8:50

Possibly not.

When in Rome................ Live with it or leave.- Ken, Portsmouth, UK, 26/7/2012 8:44

Warmer.

when in Rome you do as the Romans do or go back to your own country of birth.- Chris, Bangkok, 26/7/2012 10:15

WARMER

Well in Rome do as the Romans do. Else return to yr Muslim country or whichever hole you dug out from- Taxpayer, England as was, 26/7/2012 9:49

Now that’s more like it!

Blue Mercedes

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 59 years on this planet, it’s that there’s a simple answer to everything. No issue, no matter how complicated, takes more than 20 minutes for a man with Common Sense to sort out.

One such man is Balloon Rake, who stalks the BBC Have Your Say forum like a vengeful wraith, righting wrongs, solving problems and tutting at scientists. Here’s his take on Korea:

 

As I have said before, the perfect solution all of Korea is that if North Korea and South Korea were to be united as the one country, This would bring peace and harmony and North Koreans would have the same freedom as South Koreans. The sooner this happens the better, nuclear weapons are just a sideshow

 

See? Why didn’t anyone think of that before? Next, the James Webb telescope’s infra-red strap-on:

 

More money wasted by sci-fi nut jobs, this money could be put to much better use. When you have seen one star then you have seen them all. James Webb has far too much time on his hands, at the end of a day a telescope is a telescope.

 

Finally, exiting Europe via our Eurovision entry:

Engelbert Humperdinck must be desperate for cash if he is entering the Eurovison Song Contest, Britains entries over recent years have been drivel leaning towards the manufactured X-Factor rubbish type songs. If Britain wants to win Eurovision then they should a song called "It's Better To Stand Alone (Than Be In The Eurozone)".

And it could be sung by Blue Mercedes

 

Boom! Whilst simultaneously bringing back a much-loved 80’s footnote no less! Jarvis – you may set the dining table in the Long Room for two! 

Whole lotta shakin going on

 

And so it is that a treatment for Parkinson’s disease has been developed via gene therapy. Good news, you say? 

You’d think so wouldn’t you. 

Actually, think of the flip side:

 

Posted by: Tom1957 on April 12, 2012 3:03 PM

Strega wrore "Fantastic news! Let's get this on the NHS immediately"

Why? So every sufferer in europe can come here for free treatment!!!

 

That’s right – you make cures available on the NHS and you’re VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED to be OVERRUN WITH FOREIGNERS trying to get their hands on the stuff. I’ve a better idea – stop ALL treatments on the NHS and watch Johnny Foreigner swarm back towards Dover! Simples!

 

Daybreaker, meanwhile, thinks there may be a way to have the treatment AND put the boot into foreigners at the same time.

 

Posted by: daybreaker on April 12, 2012 12:22 PM

More advances in the medical field can only make peoples lives better. I just wish there was more money coming from the goverment, rather than sending it (foreign aid) abroad to so called third world countries, like india and pakistan who have nuclear weapons!

 

I can’t decide which I prefer. Both target foreigners, but while Daybreaker targets the disenfranchised poor, Tom1957’s plan has the advantage of targeting people who speak funny on the bus. There’s nothing for it but a slap-up dinner!

Mad Cow Denise

I’m no great fan of The Economist. In addition to their over-detailed articles and sesquipedalian sentences, the comments section always seems light on Common Sense. That is until now.

Cruising the comments on a number of articles, I found myself increasingly in accord with the charming teachings of DeniseIam. Holding forth on a variety of topics, Denise employs subjetificated historianism and interpretive semantics to make her points, whilst never forgetting her core philosophy, to wit:

"Racism" is self-preservation - and it's normal, and healthy.”

Ah, but of course! What could be more healthy and illuminating that judging a person primarily on the race you perceive them to be? But the lesson doesn’t end there, and here for your delectation are a selection of her other TRUTHS.

Truth fact: Banking

“Adolf tried to warn every-one....”

Ok. But to be fair she’s just warming up. Give her a minute.

Truth fact: US troops abroad

“Blah blah blah. Stop blaming Anglos. You Me stiz os have caused plenty of problems for yourself, long before the White Bearded Gods landed in your neck of the jungle. Tsk tsk tsk...you really ought not complain about others, when your main cultural contribution to world civilization is the glorification of cannibalism.”

That’s more like it! Responding to one Ricky Munoz with the Aristotelian blah, blah, you're a stinky face reposte, she rightly surmises that he is from a jungle region, which endorses cannibalism. This must be because:

“RACE is in the DNA.”

And so is culture, and we rightly hate the culture of DNA other than our own, and the DNA line is racially pure, otherwise her argument would be, well, just stupid!  Let’s try another:

Truth fact: Mexicans

“You;ve just revealed the TRUTH of this - the TRUTH - the Mexicans want ot go HOME.

mexico is their HOME.

Not Gringo Land.

Mexico

That's WHY Americans RIGHTFULLY HATE THEM.”

I always wondered. But I also wonder, can Denise help sort out the tricky dichotomy between people making an area of land their place of residence within the past few hundred years and people from outside that country wishing to make it their place of residence today? She can? Great!

Truth fact: Places of residence

“America was CREATED by SETTLERS. Not "immigrants". Who here knows the difference?”

There you go! it’s not like there was an indigenous population of any kind already there when the first SETTLERS arrived at Plymouth Rock.

I would so like to meet Denise, and she suggests we do. In fact she suggests we party together!

Truth fact: Par-tays

“I invite you Academic Ivory Tower types to contact me. We will party, err....par-tay...next weekend,..”

However

“You may want to come armed. I will be armed. I will be able to handle myself - but I can't account for you.”

Ah, but Denise - you had me at “racism is healthy”.

A better class of unhinged criminal

As Gordon Thompson gets 11 years for burning down Reeves’ Department Store during the Croydon riots, I am filled with nostalgia for the gentleman thugs of yesteryear.

Why, if you were a little old lady, you were virtually granted safe passage by these gentle giants, who would only break your fingers if you were of working age.

“South east London in the sixties was a lot safer than it is today, because these processional criminals actually looked after the community. If you were not in competition you were not in danger from them. Old ladies could walk the streets in safety, the muggers and petty criminals were kept in order. I’m not saying everything they did was right but for the general man in the street London was a safer place than it is today.

- John, Cambridge”

Anthony, meanwhile, laments the sartorial decline of our rioting class:

“Crikey!! In the old days, even the criminals were immaculately "dressed to the nines," and looked quite dapper (as the DailyMail would say). Not that I would know, but these days most criminals seem to get around in tracksuits, and such sloppy gear.

- Anthony, Bondi Beach, Australia”

Ah yes but this is what happens when you continually rob JJB Sports shops, you see. It’s the Circle of Nike. But what could any of this possibly have to do with the Moon landings, you ask?

“Well say what you like about him he must be more truthful than the yanks, just look at his Rolls, at least the wheels do leave tyre marks on the surface of the earth which is something that cannot be said for the yanks moon buggy on the moon.

- William Swithin, expaSwithinExpat Thailand, 3/4/2012 3:47”

And that’s all that matters.

The Big Bang Theory

 

The search for veracity in science is often a tricky thing. For every detailed metastudy proving anthropogenic global warming, there’s someone,  a non-scientist perhaps, who doubts the findings.

The same is true in the search for Bigfoot. There have been plenty of sightings, but why hasn’t he been seen yet? The “scientists “ will tell you it’s because he doesn’t exist, but apply if you will for a moment occam’s razor to this situation and you begin to see: you can’t see Bigfoot because he’s obviously travelling through multiple dimensions. Brother_of_The_Rosy_Cross has some knowledge:

"*Sigh* It is very sad how uninformed and ignorant most people are of the basic facts of the nature of existence. We occupy 3rd dimensional physical reality, though we are essentially spiritual beings temporarily engrossed in dense matter. Bigfoot is inter-dimensional, and can slip in and out of 3D reality. This is not merely my 'belief', I am not simply making this up, I speak from Knowledge."

Perhaps more sinister is tuis idea that there was ever a “big-bang” - bangs destroy things, right?
SBTC knows the truth:

"The Big-daddy of all myths is the actual "Bigbang-theory", as Not one shred of Scientific evidence can prove it happened at all. When was the last time you saw an explosion create? "Bangs" Deconstruct (oh dear oh dear)."

Not a shred of scientific evidence! Someone needs to tell Brian Cox, and put him onto the basic fact of existence that Bigfoot is a transdimensional spirit-being who isn’t constrained by space or time and can maintain whole-body integrity at full size as he travels.

Deceived by demons

While the majority of the so-called “science media” distract themselves with tall tales of “dark matter” and “stem cell research” it is refreshing to note that the Daily Mail are still willing to wrestle with the big scientific questions, specifically “Do dogs have souls?” Moreover they actually solve this mystery with a “Yes. Yes dogs do have souls” and pets come back to visit their owners.

Take Debra Tadman’s cat Wiggie, for instance. Wiggie correctly identified her owner’s flat as having asbestos, which she mentioned to a psychic pet communicator. An impressive feat for a cat, not least as it was FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.
 
Or the dog chiropractor, who feared he was having a breakdown because he’d seen a dog he knew to have died in the hallway. Perish the thought sir! What you have there is a “solid visitation”.

However, as robust as the Mail’s data is, I must admit that the following comment gives me pause for thought:

ha hah ah haahahahah haha hahah ah hha hahaha.... Can't stop laughing at this bull****.... Animal Communicators? Can I be Certified? So I can separate gullible, naive, I-see-dead-cats people from their hard-earned money? Should I then write a book--and have ghost Hamsters sign the front cover?? NO different than people who believe you can communicate with the Dead. Read Scripture, people. Bible says "and the dead know nothing". Animals do not have souls--and they do not "return". People have souls- they too, do not return. IF you are seeing manifestations (actual sightings of people and/or animals), they are not ghosts. There's no such thing as ghosts. You are being deceived--by demons, who masquerade as deceased loved ones. And your pets. Laugh all you want-roll your eyes. I laugh at you, because you are so blinded by the truth. Read Scripture- "And the Truth shall set you Free"...
- Priscilla, In the South, USA, 29/9/2011 21:25

How. Could I. Have Been. So silly. Dogs don’t have souls! Cats know nothing of asbestos! Grieving or sleepy people sometimes allow their minds to play tricks on them! How do I know? Simple- the Bible says!

You can believe your baseless fairytales all you like sunshine- I have the feasible and plausible tale of Jesus, the zombie carpenter and his sidekick the Holy Ghost who wrote down their adventures in a big book using reverse-transubstantiation. The next time you get a solid visitation of your dead rabbit Mr Buckles, just remember it’s really a demon, dressed like a rabbit and you’re just being gullible.

CSI: Africa

Earlier today I was very excited to receive a letter from my American cousin Mr Chet DWP Powell esq, Chief Executive of Marlboro’s youth marketing division in Gobblers Crossing, Alabama. The letter contained a single URL, a smiley face and a single gob of dried chewing tobacco.

Tentatively, I dictated the URL to my Assistant, who typed it into a inter net browser, and what should come up but a lovely surprise!

The article in question was called “Why black people don’t trust the police” and the comment section was literally littered with potential guests for dinner at Cuntington Hall, their comments strewn among the Trayvon Martin references like steaming piles of liquid wisdom.

First up was Nicksaenz, with his thesis about the community of Africa:

nicksaenz1
here's a simple fact that has been perpetuating for centuries: the black community is a violent and self destructive one. proof: Africa.

It’s a result of this that:

chewylouie
The Asians don't like the Blacks,, the gays can't stand them. The latinos can't live side by side with them.

This is unfortunate for a Type 2 African, whose self loathing must be in a league of its own:

TruthHurts00
There are two types of black men...those who father illegitimate children...and gays.

jray11, meanwhile, has his sights set firmly on practical measures:

jray11
"what percentage of violent crime/murder has to be from blacks before its okay to racially profile?"

Sadly, he will never have satisfaction, because the blacks cannot ever be civilised or un-criminal, but if you say that they’ll call you a racist!

Lofter
"I suppose expecting blacks to be civilized and non-criminal is "RACIST!" Gotcha, liberal media."

I suppose so!