In amongst all the hand-wringing over the Newtown shootings, there is at least one lone voice in the wilderness who sees the crux of the problem - not enough guns in schools. More importantly than that, not enough God in schools.
Introducing Bryan Fisher, head of Issues Research at the American family Association. Not for him the issues of social alienation and gun control: For him the solution is simple - arm the teachers and let God back into the classroom.
Two problems with schools: they are gun-free zones and God-free zones. The second problem the most important to solve.
As you will be aware, most schools have a policy of escorting god from the premises upon sight, and some have filed restraining orders requiring Him to come no closer than ten feet from the site perimeter, leaving Him powerless but to hurl autographed bibles over the playground wall and try to strike up conversations with parents on the school run. Then, on the fateful day that a heavily-armed lunatic attacks the school, He can only stand by and watch rather than rushing to intervene, perhaps with a thunderbolt, perhaps with His karate.
We've spent 50 years kicking God out of our public schools, then wonder why he's not around when we need him.
But what can we do? Well, firstly we need to completely overhaul our prayer strategy:
Huckabee is right: we should pray to God BEFORE these tragedies instead of waiting until it's too late.
We’ve been fools. There we are praying for the souls of the departed, when we could have called on god to find the would-be perpetrator to preemptively kick the little shit’s backside before he has a chance to get into his battle fatigues! God often works in mysterious, imperceptible ways but I’m imagining something like Final Destination, where our would-be assailant is chopped up by his own electric toothbrush, or impaled by a canoe.
However, even this radical course of action is not foolproof. God may be omnipotent, omnipresent and able to intervene directly in human events, but this has limits. The only way to be sure our children are safe is to arm the teachers.
Shooters attack an elementary school in CT - another "gun-free zone." Makes children sitting ducks. http://www.kltv.com/story/20345707/school-shooting-reported-in-newtown …
What teacher, instead of bundling their kids into cupboards, wouldn’t prefer to get into a shootout with a suicidal maniac with a machine gun? This leads us to a secondary issue of what guns our teachers should be packing. A .45 is fine for a grocery store holdup, but what’s important is equivalence, which is why I will be calling for all teachers to be issued with an Uzi, two grenades and a Kalashnikov.
Of course, guns and god aren’t the only topics playing on Mr Fischer’s mind, which is why I’m sure he’ll make a fascinating dinner guest with his thesis on gay marriage:
Gays already have full marriage equality: can marry one adult, non-relative member of opposite sex like everybody else.
Magnificent! You see, marriages didn’t occur before Christianity in every recorded civilisation on earth, and certainly never between people of the same gender!
I am of course concerned that Mr Fischer doesn’t abide by the other commands of the Bible, such as refraining from shellfish, stoning blasphemers and growing a beard, but I’m sure he will have a really well-reasoned argument why God doesn’t mind him breaking His immutable word, not to mention why he should be critical of the tax regime, when it has been established by God himself:
Romans 13:2
"Consequently,
he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has
instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves."
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