How far is too far?

Nearly a week ago, a coalition of crusties and lefties descended upon London to complain about austerity measures such as scrapping regional special strategies, when everyone knows the national debt is the highest it’s been in 250 years!

Morons they may be but, in this world of rioting populi, where do the limits of protest truly lie? And how best are we to get out of this economic muddle? Lisa provides the voice of reason:

"While I agree in freedom of expression, the vicious attack on Topshop should be condemned - we live in turbulent times and I feel compelled to show immediate support for the proven business acumen of individuals such as Sir Philip Green and any advice they may be able to offer to help the UK out of this recession. Lisa Abbate, London"

Bloody well right. If the information encoded onto the back of this fag packet fount outside the Treasury is to be believed, the government is sensibly heeding her advice, and meanwhile we should all take heed of the lessons of Top Shop. Remember: If you tolerate this, then Miss Selfridge will be next!

                 

What’s in a name?

Yet another thing I didn’t know about Nick Clegg is that he’s a national traitor.

In my view, we should give him 10 days to change his children’s names name to John Bull or we charge him with TREASON.

"I find it interesting that Nick Clegg has given his children Spanish names. It suggests someone who is detached from his own English heritage. Perhaps Nick Clegg would be happier in Spain? UK voters would surely come to terms with the loss.- tommy, frankfurt, germany, 22/3/2011"

A problem though. Tommy’s elucidation piqued my interest in the origin of names, and it turns out he’s bloody Aramaic and as such espouses the cultural values of central Syria! 

He’s not bloody eating here.

Moreover, searching for my own name etymology on the same website has left me upset, disturbed and not a little aroused!

The final word

And so with the marchers a-marching, taxi drivers a-murdering and the Libyan rebels a-sweeping Westwards towards Tripoli, the time has come to forget about Japan. However, I leave it to the columnist Richard Littlejohn, who offers this thoughtful meditation on why we even cared about it in the first place!

As he says, “it remains a faraway country of which we know little and understand less.” What we do know is ugly. As he rightly points out, everyone in Japan is a racist, and they seem to have developed a distinct culture all of their own.

Quite apart from the inconvenience of being forced to observe a minute’s silence, when we didn’t even know anyone from Japan- it is galling to learn that it is jall ust a scam to make more money out of the showing of Premier League football matches.

Take it away Mr Littlejohn- your invitation is in the post.

"No one with a shred of humanity can fail to be moved by some of the pictures coming out of Japan.

The images from Japan might be horrific, but do they really warrant such highly publicised hand-wringing?

Despite filling our homes with Japanese electronics and our garages with cars made by Nissan and Toyota, despite the vivid images on TV and assorted social networks, it remains a faraway country of which we know little and understand less.

Anyone who has visited or worked in Japan will tell you it is like landing on another planet. Beyond the baseball caps and Western clothes, the Japanese people have a distinct culture of their own, which is entirely alien to our own values. They are militantly racist and in the past have been capable of great cruelty.

I often wonder what our fathers and grandfathers would have made of modern Britain’s ghastly cult of sentimentality and vicarious grief.

Ever since the hysteria surrounding the death of Lady Di, when half of the nation seemed to take leave of its senses, a section of the population seizes any excuse for a sobfest.

Showing ‘respect’ has become institutionalised. Before every one of the weekend’s Premier League football matches, for instance, fans were forced to stand and observe a minute’s silence for Japan.

Why?

I have no objection to honouring the dead in public, if the occasion or sense of loss warrants it. At White Hart Lane we’ve recently said goodbye to some of the stars of Spurs’ double-winning side from the Sixties. There was genuine sadness over the loss of men many in the crowd had known personally.

But how many of the hundreds of thousands of supporters corralled into grieving for Japan could even point to that country on a map?

Of course, there is a commercial incentive here for the Premier League. No doubt the Japanese TV rights are up for renegotiation soon.

These days we’d have a minute’s silence if Harry Redknapp’s dog got run over.

I abhor the modern tendency to co-opt every tragedy in the world as an excuse for a self-indulgent display of cost-free compassion.

By all means pray for Japan, if you are so inclined, but do it privately.

‘Here in Japan we are more like the British with their stiff upper lip.’

It only goes to show that the Japanese know as little about modern Britain as we know about them."

Enemy mine

As the trauma of the Japanese rumbles horrifically on, I continue to search both for the true cause of the earthquake and some experts in this field willing to discuss the topic over dinner.

Thankfully the online debate is way ahead of me. With plate tectonics ruled out, some thought was given to the effect of the Supermoon- a catastrophic movement of the moon 1km closer to the Earth said to cause earthquakes, tidal waves and nuclear meltdowns.

However, as my window cleaner explained to me several times as he saw to the Edwardian sashes in the master bedroom, the recent supermoon was predated by the earthquake and Tsunami by more than a week. I’m not sure whether this proves something or not, since I have now become very confused and, besides, have happened upon a better explanation- “Cosmic Wobble”.

This is a term I have coined myself, but is eloquently summarised by CB:-

“All due to emptying the centre of this planet, and overweight of concrete cities, spiralling the planet out of control- CB, UK, 11/3/2011 14:29

The whirlpool happening in the ocean is the ocean emptying in the earths empty centre caverns due to over excavation of the centre. - CB, UK, 11/3/2011 15:30”

Of course- it’s so simple. You mine all the rock out of the Earth and put it up top, and what do you get? Instability!

This is particularly true if you have an uneven distribution up-top. China, for instance, has a population of over a million people, meaning more cities making us wobble more! Let alone the effect of the Himalayas or too many people holidaying in South America at the same time.

If we have any sense we’ll pump the oil back in the ground, knock down our cities and lie spread eagled on our fronts (evenly distributed) before we go spiraling even further off into the blackness of space!

Adherents to this theory must stick together- Eddie John has CB’s back:

“No surprise you got red arrowed as people only see the ends of their noses but I have often wondered how we can keep dispalicing all that weight and liquid by taking oil out of the ground and it not have any effect on the gravity of the earth. So CB there are two idiots in the world.......or are we. - Eddie John, In the real world, 11/3/2011 15:04”

Not just two idiots, Eddie- three. Count me in.

Our man in Bangkok

This country’s going to hell in a handcart. Had I not the proud responsibility of maintaining Cuntington Hall for the nation, then I might long ago have left to be with my own kind in Thailand or the Costa Brava.

A less encumbered soul has however been living the dream. Mike Williams lives in Bangkok, from where he lectures the internet on the state of modern Britain, including issues such as women choosing to live alone and an interview by Piers Morgan. A fascinating potential dinner guest, I’m sure you will agree, although I do detect a potential difficulty due to the fact he lives in the reign of Elizabeth the 11th.

“Oh this one is a minefield but here goes from a previously married male who had to enter the dating game again at age 50 and these are the reasons also why I live in Thailand and my wife is Thai, this is what I observed by dating females in the UK again, they are: 1) Total control freaks 2) Egotistical and self centred. 3) Arrogant and aggressive. 4) Full of their own importance. 5) About as ladylike and feminine as a hairy *rsed male gorilla. 6). Rude and obnoxious. 7) Scruffy and intolerant and will do what they want to do. 8) Regard males as a disposable possession that they rule, control and can discard when they are bored with them. 9) Think that punctuality is an old fashioned option. 10) Scintillating conversation comparing you to their ex.. And before we get the usual comment about Thai women being doormats my wife has 2 degrees and is a manager for a government organisation and is definitely not a doormat but is very kind,considerate,loving and feminine.”- mike williams in Bangkok, Bangkok,Thailand, 10/10/2010 04:02

"1) I am a British subject of Queen Elizabeth 11 born and bred in the UK where I worked and paid taxes for 55 years and as such I have the right to criticize her Majesties government. 2) Most of us still pay UK tax. 3) I wonder how many expats there are on benefits? 4) My name is Williams a short version of Williamson or the son of William, the William being William the conqueror, my linage goes back 1000 years. 5) Lots of us still have family back in the UK being affected by this clot. 6) Lots of expats still have property back in the UK. 7) I am on the electoral register and that gives me the right to comment. Neither you or any others like you who are no doubt jealous that we got out are going to stop me having my say.- mike williams in Bangkok, Bangkok,Thailand, 16/2/2010 2:40

Praise be!

You may think that the Japanese earthquake was caused by the movement of the Pacific plate, which moves at a quick rate of 8–9cm a year and dips under the Japanse plate 24 miles under the seabed, pulling the upper plate down until it becomes fragile enough to break causing an earthquake and a 30-ft Tsunami. You’d be wrong.

It  is in fact the work of an invisible man, who answered the telepathic requests of his fan club to prove his own existence by indiscriminately killing 10,000 people on the first leg of his 2011 World Tour.

Tamtampam here will be receiving an invitation to Dinner at Cuntington Hall for this forensic analysis of geophysics she posted on youtube. I have never more sure of anything in my life.

"PRAISE GOD FOR ANSWERED PRAYERS!!! GOD ANSWERED US AFTER JUST 1 DAY OF FASTING AND PRAYING! HE RATTLED THE ATHEISTS IN JAPAN!! THE REST OF THE WORLD BETTER BE READY! 1 DAY OF PRAYER = 9.0 EARTHQUAKE IN JAPAN! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHAT 40 DAYS OF PRAYER WILL DO!"

UPDATE: CENSORSHIP! Unbelievably, Tamtampamela's upload was considered too obnoxious for the internet and CENSORED! She also took down her youtube channel after receiving DEATH THRETS! That's right- Death threts! from the uninformed denizens of the inter-net. This in no way changes my decision to invite her to dinner, and my assistants have been good enough to recreate her original post below.

Nazi-themed Creative Writing 101

On the subject of Eva Braun, I think a special nod should go to Rene’ from Sacramento, who paints a powerfully romantic picture of tragi-erotic, bodice-ripping, trouser straining, bitch slapping, eagle-nesting, frog marching, alpine- scented drama that really belongs on the stage, or at least a book jacket.

If she accepts my invitation, we shall have schnitzels and attempt to annex each other’s Chłodnik.

“All these images: An average, attractive young German girl, of tender, impressionable age, drawn under the spell of a charismatic, but demoniacal tyrant, seduced into the evil heart of Nazism. And tragically for her, In binding her fate to him, she doomed her life. Having rose to the spacious Bavarian heights of power, with Hitler's ascendancy, she had her moments of glory. But, in turn of years, and with approach of the lightning-flashed, violent storm-winds, she faithfully followed him in his downward plunge from the "Eagle's Nest" of alpine scent, as his nightmare-dream was being enveloped in fire. Down, down they fell into the spartan gloom of an underground, windowless tomb, with its stale, confining stench. [] A mind-gripping fatal attraction was here demise. [] It is sad to ponder this young woman's fall into a kind of "Hell". Seduced by delusional madness--a face of evil surrounded by darkness. But its a choice she made, one which ended in the engulfing flame! - Rene', Sacramento, USA, 10/3/2011 11:51”

I think this story has legs, and my assistants were good enough to mock up a possible book cover in advance of my approach to major publishers.