Ridding London of vermin

Flicking through this evening’s standard Evening Standard I was delighted to note that Simon Jenkins had penned another of his charming missives, this time on the scourge of the urban fox.

Malicious: A fox hellbent on destroying clematis

As he recounts, this animal, with scant respect for his legal rights as a homeowner, had trespassed upon HIS property, dug under the shed and “buried the adjacent flower bed in soil and leaves”. The bloody cheek of it! A flower bed is clearly no place for soil and he is right to call for this animal's immediate destruction.

But oh no- the council had different ideas. They advised him to urinate in his garden to deter foxes, as if someone like Simon Jenkins would ever be responsible for nasty and repugnant emanations in public!

It puts him in mind of a friend who, when confronted with an injured fox on her front lawn, called the council to remove it but, far from hitting over the head with a shovel and tossing its corpse into the nearest landfill, it was “taken on a stretcher to a clinic in Borehamwood”! What is wrong with these people?! Have they no COMPASSION for ratepayers?!

The problems with London gardens don’t stop there - the truth is that pigeons - overweight pigeons at that, squirrels and mice also deign to trespass upon what is Simon’s PRIVATE property, pooping where they please and ruining the strip clematis:

The truth is that London's small gardens are infested. In mine, pigeons so fat their legs can hardly support them roll about on the steps. Parakeets squawk in the trees. Grey squirrels munch their way through rose buds and strip clematis. Mice trot this way and that, leaving little trails of droppings. Foxes treat garden sheds as free bed and breakfast. The place is like Jurassic Park.

It’s unbelievable. It’s as if these “animals” seem to think they they can roam freely upon the earth with scant regard for the finer points of conveyancing law.

It’s not just in the cities either - these newcomers to our landmass seem to think they can cock a snook to those attempting to run heavily indebted country estates. I myself was recently forced to issue a badger, that my groundskeeper Jose found trespassing in the lower field, with a cease and desist order from the local magistrate. Not only did the badger pretend not to understand the Queen’s English, it proved most unreceptive to dialogue before successfully biting my face!

Not until the birds cease to sing in the trees and mice are driven from our ONCE GREAT LAND will we be able to sleep soundly in our beds. These people who bleat on about Britain’s freedoms and extremely high quality of life ought to walk a mile in our shoes and realise that, actually, it is HELL ON EARTH because of all the squirrels in our gardens.

The antisocial network

Laid up as I have been with a broken ankle, my Assistants have “logged me on” to the Face Book. On the Face Book I can catch up on all the news about what people had for dinner, see pictures of their pets, and learn what they think of bone idle radical Muslims.

Cue the political analysis of Emmanuel Etchells-Ayre, holder of a 3rd class degree from the University of Hard Knocks (with a scholarship from the School of Hard Knocks), the man whose endeavours built the hole country and an Englishman who swears to uphold the constitution of the United States of America.

Emmanuel Etchells-Ayre Time politicians stopped walking around with their heads up their backsides, soending British Taxpayers Money on Foreign Aid ... WE didn't build this country up to what it is so we can give money to countries who want to destroy us, nor didwe pay our taxes to have them given to illegal immigrants and bone idle parasitic Radical Muslims ... call me racist if you wish, the man who can't even get a constituents name right can't be of much use to society as a hole !

Here, here! What are we doing giving money to the countries who want to destroy us?! Are we mad!!! I simply cannot believe that the situation is any more complicated than it appears to me to be, given my current understanding of it. What I am sure of is that national governments accurately reflect the will of their population EXCEPT in BRITAIN where the politicians all walk around with their heads up their back sides.

Call him racist if you wish. Point right at him and say “You’re an enormous racist who doesn’t understand what’s going on” if it makes you feel better! He’s not going to care. He’s just going to keep building up Britain - paying his millions in taxes to pay for essential infrastructure, striking foreign trade deals with favourable terms for the UK, teaching children to read and spell and preventing bone idle radicals from alternately bombing and sleeping, because that’s probably what they do.

TRUE HERO of Britain, I salute you!

Past their sell-by date

I was delighted to note that the recent change of advice from Sainsbury’s regarding the removing their “freeze on the day of purchase” advice threw up a good deal of Common Sense all over the internet. Basically they’re now saying you can freeze food on any day up to the best before date.

gohunter has something to say about this! And his ex wife.

gohunter My ex-wife used to throw things out regardlessly as soon as they reached their use by date. She'd never think to open them and smell, or use common sense. Absolute lunacy and one reason why she is my EX-wife ;-)

Lunacy indeed! And it’s a good thing you managed to get rid of her before she emptied the damn thing of chicken that was barely even turning green. Wasting food indeed - Next Wife please! One with the common sense to sniff food she finds in the fridge. Jeff Martin, meanwhile, has no such problems:

Jeff Martin I live on my own, so everything I buy is split into portions and frozen in those plastic tubs you get from takeaway shops or the bags that are freely available in the fruit section. A little bit of forward planning, and the food I need for the day is brought out of the freezer in the morning. It's hardly rocket science.

Thanks for that Jeff. Food for thought with the tub idea (not least the free bag tip!) and a fascinating insight into your daily life as an amuse-bouche. Meanwhile, thinker1214 is on the cutting edge of experimental eating-of-things-that-might-be-off.

thinker1214 I always use four methods nose, tongue, stomach and bum if any of them get upset (and i survive) i know better for next time. worked for me so far the date system generated extra purchases for shops and meant little to the consumers experience of the food. As the date system has been around for years wouldnt the older generation have started this throw away culture?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, eh thinker? What more foolproof method could there be of finding out whether food is safe to eat than eating it? As my Grandmama used to say, "It's worth sacrificing your gastric health to avoid having to buy fresh vegetables." Interesting point about throwaway culture being the fault of baby boomers too - here’s a counterpoint from Rodney:

Rodney Evan Jones The statistic that the average family wastes about £50 worth of food each month is amazing. Anyone over 65 years of age will not be included in that figure as we grew up in times of austerity after WW2. My Dad taught us that wasting food was a sin and that has stuck with me my whole life. It is good to knock up a meal using leftovers in the fridge from time to time and I would commend this.

Bloody well right we’re not to blame. For anything. We didn’t have bananas, you see. Couldn’t get em. So we don’t waste food. And you clear your plate or it’s a sin, and I believe that to this day. The story is about when to freeze food before it goes off. But I’m talking about. I’m talking about finishing. Your food.

Particularly. PARTICULARLY if it’s off. Because of the bananas, you see? Scarcity.

Anyway, Schoolies has another take on the news:

schoolies As a confirmed bachelor I need no interference from the Nanny state that is Sainsburys. I am quite an expert already on the four major food groups;Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate

Ha! You old tease. Good to see you out there, sticking it to the man. They say “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Schoolies is living that dream, skidding in sideways, reduced-to-clear prawn cocktail in one hand - travel mug of instant chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "I'll brook no interference from Sainsburys!"

A role model for us all!

Rather sheep like

Regular readers of this Web Log will know that I am know fan of academia - Liberals wafting around in their ivory Mickey Mouse towers thinking of new ways to destroy this Once Great Nation, and FINALLY I have proof.

It comes in the form of a Daily Mail article that claims that people of lower intelligence are more likely to be racists and Conservatives because they fear what they don’t understand, and they understand less than most, although not all Conserrvatives are stupid.

Poppycock I say! I know lots of my fellow intellerati are in fact highly intelligent and yet they are right wing and, like a coiled Cobra, sprang into action to defend right-wing views and Common Sense from this highly transparent slur! Such as hillside from sydney:

“I have an IQ over 200, have six degrees/diplomas and am "right wing" as are others I know at this higher level of intelligence.” - hillside, sydney, 3/2/2012 6:01

200! The smartest man who ever lived and his friends who exist in a state of heightened intelligence with multiple degrees/diplomas (same thing) are all VERY right-wing. Some still are both Conservative and prejudiced against people on the basis of their culture (not race!), or ethnic identity (not race!) or the fact they're minorities whilst still packing in the grey matter. As Paul puts it:

"it's a brave man these days to point out any ills in particular cultures or ethnic and minority groups." - paul, ukip next govt., 3/2/2012 2:12

Luckily we have just such a hero in Lord Haw Haw:

“I have been described, inter alia, as " a notorious anti-semite" and as "racist" (despite the fact that I am biased in favour of CULTURE not race as such, but race in our age is the main foundation for culture in large populations), yet my IQ was once tested by an official body at 155, i.e. in the top half of one percent of the UK population”- Lord Haw Haw, UK, 3/2/2012 14:38

Ok maybe race, but no - the whole thing smacks of a liberal conspiracy, in which the BBC no doubt had a hand:

“Sounds like a BBC study, type of thing they would waste the Licence fee on, load of Cods wallop.” - Terry, Leicester, 2/2/2012

They sit. THEY SIT! In their IVORY TOWERS spending MY LICENCE FEE MONEY! ON THIS! CANADIAN METASTUDY! It's enough to make the blood boil! And why are the Lefties doing this? Simple:

“I've always found left wing Liberals to be rather sheep like, the type that crave Communism so they don't have to think for themselves.” - Adam, Essex, 3/2/2012 6:3

Liberal bloody Communists again. Fascist Communists too, I’ll warrant, who want other people to think for them. And Academics are the worst of the lot. Take Ted’s testimony:

“I seem to remember "academics" once upon a time stating that the world was flat and the Sun orbitted the Earth.....Funny how some groups of people can be wrong all the time.” - Ted, Teddington, 2/2/2012 21:22

I think I remember that too. Was it not Brian Cox claiming only last year that they Earth was as flat as a pancake before having to revise his theories following a trip to the Maldives? More chilling is this brilliant deconstruction of 20th century politics:

“@Jan, Wokingham, to give them their full title, they were the "National Socialist German Workers Party. They were utterly left wing. The only reason they werent communists is because they wanted power for themselves.” - wheres maggie, New Milton, 3/2/2012 11:03

NAZI Fascist Communists Lefties! A political movement that wanted to gain power over society. That's what was wrong with them. I agree with Rob, who suggests that we:

“File this report in the same place as the conclusive evidence of manmade climate change.” - Rob, Lincs, 3/2/2012 10:33

Bloody well right, and don’t come back until you’re over 90% certain. Also, we need to stop the NaziFascistCommunistLeftieAcademics using words to determine intelligence. How can an intelligent person answer questions if they don’t know what the words in the questions mean?!

“the "intelligence tests" used by this study were based on verbal tests that require knowledge of the words used and also basic short term memory tests, and even a test for drawing skills. Not exactly a sound scientific study of intelligence.” - Barry, UK, 4/2/2012 20:28

Precisely. Using verbal reasoning and memory tests is certainly no way to measure intelligence. In either case we need to get a grip and remember that, because we are reasoning, whatever that reason tells us is correct:

“I am a highly reasoning right wing person and that reasoning tells me I am correct in my beliefs and do not have to accept the incorrect reasoning of others, particularly psychologists.” Mick, Maidstone, 2/2/2012 20:57

Add to that our rich seam of Common Sense, which tells us that schools and universities brainwash our children in order to prop up the elites:

“This study is a ridiculous attempt by obviously left wing researchers to imply low intelligence to those who oppose their views and to undermine the democratic will of the population by justifying rule by the elites. Schools and institutions of higher education have been brainwashing (by presenting facts and arguments that only support left wing ideology) our more intelligent students for years. We are now at the point where our elites are hopelessly out of touch with and dismiss the views of the rest of us. There is more understanding and common sense in the man on the street than what you will meet in any of the bastions of academia, judiciary, public service or big business.”- hillside, sydney, 3/2/2012 6:01

And I’m sure he’s got evidence. I, like Josephine Capenerhurst, shall be ignoring this article until it goes away, but not before mocking it:

“Thank goodness the majority of DM readers are intelligent enough to mock and ignore such a ridiculous article.!!!” - Josephine Capenerhurst, Isle of Wight, England, 3/2/2012 10:00

Sez has the last word, showing that even if we do turn out to be a semiconductor short of a transistor, there’s nothing so durable a defence as Common Sense:

“Ha! Well this would prove my theory that people with high intelligence have no common sense!!!!!” - Sez, London, 2/2/2012 23:19

Exactly! Case closed. Academics - take your books and your "studies" and ask yourselves this: If we're so stupid, why do you think we think we're right?! Game set and match.

Note: Many thanks to picturesdepot.com for the picture of the baby sheep. As they say :

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Good to know.