Blue Mercedes

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 59 years on this planet, it’s that there’s a simple answer to everything. No issue, no matter how complicated, takes more than 20 minutes for a man with Common Sense to sort out.

One such man is Balloon Rake, who stalks the BBC Have Your Say forum like a vengeful wraith, righting wrongs, solving problems and tutting at scientists. Here’s his take on Korea:

 

As I have said before, the perfect solution all of Korea is that if North Korea and South Korea were to be united as the one country, This would bring peace and harmony and North Koreans would have the same freedom as South Koreans. The sooner this happens the better, nuclear weapons are just a sideshow

 

See? Why didn’t anyone think of that before? Next, the James Webb telescope’s infra-red strap-on:

 

More money wasted by sci-fi nut jobs, this money could be put to much better use. When you have seen one star then you have seen them all. James Webb has far too much time on his hands, at the end of a day a telescope is a telescope.

 

Finally, exiting Europe via our Eurovision entry:

Engelbert Humperdinck must be desperate for cash if he is entering the Eurovison Song Contest, Britains entries over recent years have been drivel leaning towards the manufactured X-Factor rubbish type songs. If Britain wants to win Eurovision then they should a song called "It's Better To Stand Alone (Than Be In The Eurozone)".

And it could be sung by Blue Mercedes

 

Boom! Whilst simultaneously bringing back a much-loved 80’s footnote no less! Jarvis – you may set the dining table in the Long Room for two! 

Whole lotta shakin going on

 

And so it is that a treatment for Parkinson’s disease has been developed via gene therapy. Good news, you say? 

You’d think so wouldn’t you. 

Actually, think of the flip side:

 

Posted by: Tom1957 on April 12, 2012 3:03 PM

Strega wrore "Fantastic news! Let's get this on the NHS immediately"

Why? So every sufferer in europe can come here for free treatment!!!

 

That’s right – you make cures available on the NHS and you’re VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED to be OVERRUN WITH FOREIGNERS trying to get their hands on the stuff. I’ve a better idea – stop ALL treatments on the NHS and watch Johnny Foreigner swarm back towards Dover! Simples!

 

Daybreaker, meanwhile, thinks there may be a way to have the treatment AND put the boot into foreigners at the same time.

 

Posted by: daybreaker on April 12, 2012 12:22 PM

More advances in the medical field can only make peoples lives better. I just wish there was more money coming from the goverment, rather than sending it (foreign aid) abroad to so called third world countries, like india and pakistan who have nuclear weapons!

 

I can’t decide which I prefer. Both target foreigners, but while Daybreaker targets the disenfranchised poor, Tom1957’s plan has the advantage of targeting people who speak funny on the bus. There’s nothing for it but a slap-up dinner!

Mad Cow Denise

I’m no great fan of The Economist. In addition to their over-detailed articles and sesquipedalian sentences, the comments section always seems light on Common Sense. That is until now.

Cruising the comments on a number of articles, I found myself increasingly in accord with the charming teachings of DeniseIam. Holding forth on a variety of topics, Denise employs subjetificated historianism and interpretive semantics to make her points, whilst never forgetting her core philosophy, to wit:

"Racism" is self-preservation - and it's normal, and healthy.”

Ah, but of course! What could be more healthy and illuminating that judging a person primarily on the race you perceive them to be? But the lesson doesn’t end there, and here for your delectation are a selection of her other TRUTHS.

Truth fact: Banking

“Adolf tried to warn every-one....”

Ok. But to be fair she’s just warming up. Give her a minute.

Truth fact: US troops abroad

“Blah blah blah. Stop blaming Anglos. You Me stiz os have caused plenty of problems for yourself, long before the White Bearded Gods landed in your neck of the jungle. Tsk tsk tsk...you really ought not complain about others, when your main cultural contribution to world civilization is the glorification of cannibalism.”

That’s more like it! Responding to one Ricky Munoz with the Aristotelian blah, blah, you're a stinky face reposte, she rightly surmises that he is from a jungle region, which endorses cannibalism. This must be because:

“RACE is in the DNA.”

And so is culture, and we rightly hate the culture of DNA other than our own, and the DNA line is racially pure, otherwise her argument would be, well, just stupid!  Let’s try another:

Truth fact: Mexicans

“You;ve just revealed the TRUTH of this - the TRUTH - the Mexicans want ot go HOME.

mexico is their HOME.

Not Gringo Land.

Mexico

That's WHY Americans RIGHTFULLY HATE THEM.”

I always wondered. But I also wonder, can Denise help sort out the tricky dichotomy between people making an area of land their place of residence within the past few hundred years and people from outside that country wishing to make it their place of residence today? She can? Great!

Truth fact: Places of residence

“America was CREATED by SETTLERS. Not "immigrants". Who here knows the difference?”

There you go! it’s not like there was an indigenous population of any kind already there when the first SETTLERS arrived at Plymouth Rock.

I would so like to meet Denise, and she suggests we do. In fact she suggests we party together!

Truth fact: Par-tays

“I invite you Academic Ivory Tower types to contact me. We will party, err....par-tay...next weekend,..”

However

“You may want to come armed. I will be armed. I will be able to handle myself - but I can't account for you.”

Ah, but Denise - you had me at “racism is healthy”.

A better class of unhinged criminal

As Gordon Thompson gets 11 years for burning down Reeves’ Department Store during the Croydon riots, I am filled with nostalgia for the gentleman thugs of yesteryear.

Why, if you were a little old lady, you were virtually granted safe passage by these gentle giants, who would only break your fingers if you were of working age.

“South east London in the sixties was a lot safer than it is today, because these processional criminals actually looked after the community. If you were not in competition you were not in danger from them. Old ladies could walk the streets in safety, the muggers and petty criminals were kept in order. I’m not saying everything they did was right but for the general man in the street London was a safer place than it is today.

- John, Cambridge”

Anthony, meanwhile, laments the sartorial decline of our rioting class:

“Crikey!! In the old days, even the criminals were immaculately "dressed to the nines," and looked quite dapper (as the DailyMail would say). Not that I would know, but these days most criminals seem to get around in tracksuits, and such sloppy gear.

- Anthony, Bondi Beach, Australia”

Ah yes but this is what happens when you continually rob JJB Sports shops, you see. It’s the Circle of Nike. But what could any of this possibly have to do with the Moon landings, you ask?

“Well say what you like about him he must be more truthful than the yanks, just look at his Rolls, at least the wheels do leave tyre marks on the surface of the earth which is something that cannot be said for the yanks moon buggy on the moon.

- William Swithin, expaSwithinExpat Thailand, 3/4/2012 3:47”

And that’s all that matters.