Silly old me

My Assistants flatter me. They have taken the soundtrack from the CCTV of me greeting some charity types at the front door and made it into a recording that can be played on the gramaphone!

They insist that the world should hear of my worldly knowledge and sound judgement and so, just to please them, I post it here for your delectation.

Science Vs Fact

It was while visiting a seance at the County Fair that I first met Jonathan Cainer.

The old gypsy lady shuddered, her eyes rolling back into her head as an eerie voice emanated from her like aural raspberry ripple. I looked around at the five others present. One was in a snazzy waistcoat and matching fez. It was Jonathan Cainer.

“Someone’s here. Someone beginning with the letter “D”” She said
“Do they have a surname?” I enquired, “It would be easier if they’d tell you their surname.”
“Shh”, said Cainer, “You’ll break the spell. Spirits are like teenagers. Reluctant. Closed  answers.”
“D-Daniel?” muttered the Crone. We all shook our heads to say “no”.
“Duh-Duhooa-Da- David?” She ventured. We shook our heads no again.

Suddenly it hit me. “Dante!” I yelped, referring to one of the Dobermans back at the Hall. “Yeeeeees!” the crone wavered, fixing me with a beady eye. “Dante! He says he is well, and missing you. And he misses his old bike!”

“Well”, thought I, “That is a turn up for the books. I had no idea he was missing me, nor indeed that he was dead as he seemed fine this morning. I am confused about the bike however. Maybe he’s referring to his mate Missy! Who knew he had such a keen sense of humour!”

The seance ended and we wandered blinking into the sunny fairground outside the velvet tent. “I am thoroughly convinced,” I told Cainer. “You should have an astrological reading done.” he said, and talked me through the various payment options.

“How much for the 5-Star service?”, I asked.
“£5.95 a month.” he said
“How much for your regular prediction?” I asked
“It’s free.” he said
“I’ll have a regular prediction, please.” I said.

This. Is that prediction.

“They don't teach astrology in universities anymore. They consider it too mystical. Yet they still teach economics. They still pretend, too, that psychology is a reputable scientific subject. And they still teach physics with all its wild, mind-boggling and (as yet unproven) hypotheses. The people who reckon to know how the world works actually know surprisingly little. But they are very good at using long words. Now, about the explanation that you are currently being offered regarding a certain situation. Be wary of so-called experts.”

No sooner as I got home, Dante bounded up to me- he wasn’t dead at all! Instead of talking to the spirits, that silly old crone must have entered the mind of my doberman! I gave Dante a big hug and fed him a steak from the fridge for having such a  good sense of humour.

Eerie. Cainer had been right all along. This “so called expert” psychic was nothing but an enormous fraud, as is physics.

I shall be treading more carefully from now on. With one eye on my wallet and one eye on the stars. No more will I trust in science. Instead I will observe the physical universe, note down the correlation between objects and fate (agreeing the effects by comparing notes with my fellow stargazers) and use it to make predictions, not baseless hypotheses.

Worth its weight in gold

Every now and then, my Assistants bring me a potential dinner guest to whom I feel I can truly relate. Nuxgael is such a person. Prolific poster, Renaissance Man, philosopher king, biologist, geologist and cultural arbiter. How can I begin to sum up the poetry of his thought? 

I cannot. All I can do is to reproduce some of his more resonant teachings and await this most fascinating dinner guest with a fizzing sort of excitement.

Take it away, Sir:

“Cats are nicer than all art”

“There was talk about genetically altering cows blood to suit humans.”

“Sluts, I love to see them on Songs of Praise.”

“Some say it was monkey kidneys.”

“A good discussion is worth its weight in gold.”

“TUNA is expensive... Sharks use to eat tuna but now the sharks eat surf boads.”

“Example what was the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden? It was the Pear of Wisdom.”

“Remember people can eat things that are toxic to goats and goats eat things which are toxic to people.”

“Young people are like sheep- Music, drink, drugs, sex and red bull.”

“If they take all the oil and pressure out from the oil wells will that cause Tsumais and earthquakes around the costal areas of Europe?”

“Homophobia translates into man fear.”

“Dogs and cats, cats and hens, horses and cows, you get the idea.”

“Assad has become the pink elephant who is hanging over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy.”

“Why go on facebook when there are other well known sites that do not do what FB does?”

“It is getting to the stage now where summer is becoming like a belief.”

“How do you not know the new strain of e-coli wasnt from cow manure etc, give it time.”

“Don't want cows getting breast cancer etc.”

“Put the scientific cat in one box and god in the other and choose but who made the boxes in the first place and who put them into the boxes?”

“Put it this way Hitler had hair when he died and Gandi hadn't.”

“Picasso painted not like a 4 year old but like a hen scratching for worms.”

“Marmite, an alien insect?”

“Canabis is associated to words like muslim assassins.”

“Fish do not get firework stress.”

Political Correctness Gone Mad

And so it seems that Mr Know-It-All Stephen Fry, a Lance Corporal in the PC Brigade, has decided to CENSOR history with his script for the new Dam Busters film!

Despite ringleader Guy Gibson clearly calling his dog Nigger, Fry has the temerity to suggest the word is somehow offensive to some people and calls it Digger instead!

 

This completely changes history, the point of the story and essentially renders the film unwatchable.

 

Well, as far as I’m concerned it’s time to man the barricades against this lunacy, and where better to find soldiers at arms than the Lincolnshire Echo?!

merlinbus marks himself out from the start with a pithy roundup of the intellectual thesis underlying our argument.

“Better not watch Training Day then. Funny how it`s OK to use n****r repeatedly in American fiction films, but when it comes to the TRUE history of once Great Britain, it is taboo. No wonder the country is in such a state. Political correctness gone mad.”

Not just gone mad, but wearing its pants on its head and signing away its fortune to a cats home.

It's all so unfair, especially when Jackie Chan's up to it, and he's foreign and he doesn't mind. It's the second time this week I've wondered "What Would Jackie Chan Do?" Anyway, a quick history lesson from by ReadingImp:

"It wasn't seen as a racist name back then and shouldn't be now as you see many American films with everyone saying wus up me ****** etc and nobody is offended, I watched rush hour the other night and even Jackie Chan said it in that film, but if it comes from a British person its automatically seen as racist."

Exactly, the word's never been racist. Meanwhile, mrscf weighs in with:

“How pathetic altering the dogs name,call the dog by it`s real name "******" or don`t even bother to mention it at all.” 

Exactly- use the name or don’t even bother putting pen to paper. What’s that you say HawkEye001?

“Mr Fry you are a disgrace to the memory of the British Heritage.”

 People, we are tearing ourselves apart here! Stop blaming Fry and take a stand!

“So it's ok for us to be called honkeys or whitey and cracker yet you cannot do a historical film. ****** was the dogs name, fact. Who cares what the Americans think anyway. Lets do a film in Britain about the American Revolutionary War, only this time lets change a few of the facts so we make it so we win.” redarmy102

Now, now redarmy, I see the sense it fighting fire with fire, but if we do that we’ll be no better than them. Does anybody else have any suggestions?

“I have a copy of The Dambusters film naming Guy Gibson's dog "******" and I will continue to watch it occasionally. I have no wish to see an American version with factual inaccuracies and with American accents or whatever they intend to use.” Nodroggy

Passive resistance. Clever. Any more for any more?

“Consider that WW2 was heavily concerned with preventing a certain gentleman from removing our freedom to do things our way and that the gentleman in question had a number of names and phrases for people of different colour to himself (notice how I have not mentioned his name, in case it offends).” Captain_Blue

Captain, tricksy but ultimately futile. Despite your best efforts, I believe people may eventually discern meaning in your words.

“So Mr Fry and the producers of this film don't want to upset certain yanks and coloured people by using the correct name for guy gibsons dog. If these people are so concerned for the feelings of others what about the feelings of the German people who once again will be seeing a film made (that didn't have to be made) that gloriously shows the men of the RAF destroying the mohne and the eder dams and all the people that died in the aftermath of this raid. Have the writer and producers thought what the german people feel about the remake of this film,i very much doubt it. So i suppose it doesn't matter that you upset the germans just so long as you don't upset the black population of the earth.” nickythenark

You’re not going soft on us are you Nicky? Are you saying that we shouldn’t make historical war films? Or that it’s as satisfying to see Germans being bombed into oblivion as it is to enjoy a racial “shortcut”?! 

I suggest we all go home and reacquaint ourselves with a non-PC version of the Dam Busters before we go any further- I recommend the 1972 remake starring Sid James and Lew Collins since it’s only 45 minutes long without the adverts.

 

Til later then- keep it real, me N*****s!

Do the twist

The sign of a truly great orator is to lure the audience in then BAM-  deliver a twist that sets them all reeling. My assistants inform me that I do this all the time, but if I am to be entertained at dinner, I shall require companions of equivalent calibre.

Step forward the BBC debate on the NHS reforms. I look forward to a feast of both the body and the MIND!

Nautonier eases us in gently with some common or garden Common Sense.

"Yes indeed - very few understand that the NHS has always supported its own private sector on which both public & private interests are mutually dependent on each other. Best thing to do with the NHS is to gradually improve it over time using total quality initiatives and to ration accces to it for millions of illegal immigarnts/recent UK citizens as requiring them to buy a private health policy"

BAM! See what they did there? Right at the end. I put it in Italic so you wouldn’t miss it. The structure is Sensible > Sensible > Sensible > BAM it’s down to immigrants and health should be rationed. I shall certainly be advising the next Rwandan rape victim I come across that they may see the doctor ONCE and no more until they  sign up with BUPA.

Here’s another:

"Another example of all three of the main parties dancing on the head of the centre-ground pin. Makes you long for good old-fashioned ideology.

Too much timidity from all of them. Offer us a stark choice and let the people decide Bass_Man"

Hmm. A bit flowery, poetic if you will, analysis of a thousand camels dancing on the head of a pin or somesuch- all the better to let you know that the choice is THIS

OR THIS!

SAY NO TO THE CENTRE GROUND!

BOOM!

Southern123 agrees with Bass_man

"Bassman #3 - never a truer word speokn (though I would put all the parties left of centre actually with the Tories bizarrely left of Blue Labour. No real sensible discussion because everyone is scared of frightening the horses."

I wish I knew what he meant.

The greatest show on Earth

And so it is that our ONCE GREAT LAND has the shame of hosting the Olympic Games. And yet it seems that when we ran a lottery for the tickets NOT EVERYBODY WON! This includes Boris Johnson, who was the subject of a story in that bastion of truth, regarding English Common Sense, The Daily Mail.

Such a lot of people had such a lot to say about the Mayor not getting a ticket it might be better to enter into the Spirit of the Games and look at the frontrunners in each category, as selected by my able Assistants:

Nostalgia (Silver)
What IS the matter with this country? We USED to run an Empire!
Old man with a stick, Rural England,

Nostalgia (Gold)
THE LAST PROPER OLYMPICS WAS 1948 ATHLETES THEN WERE REAL AMATEURS
george, denham uxbridge, 1/6/2011 20:41

Swings and Roundabouts
I am a widowed mum and taking my son to the 100m for a cheap ticket. so some of us have been lucky
KT, Wiltshire, 2/6/2011 9:13

Hop, Skip and Leap of Logic
Will somebody PLEASE get Eliza Doolittle some trousers!
jo, horsham, 1/6/2011 21:27

Suspense
I read the rules wrong and paid via credit card, so I won't even know if I got any tickets for another few weeks!
Sam, Somerset, 1/6/2011 18:21

100m Grasp of How The Billing System Works
I applied for loads of events at a cost of thousands and got nothing.
Brit Abroad, France, 02/6/2011 09:01

Prognostication of Doom (Silver)
THis event will seal this country's demise , mark my words.
Mark, London UK, 1/6/2011 20:43

Prognostication of Doom (Gold)
None of my family will be attending. We are too worried about a Terrorist attack.
granny nan, uk, 1/6/2011 16:41

Parallel Universe Theory
Happily I am not the slightest bit interested, so anyone is welcome to any ticket that I might have bought.
Bwj, Uk, 1/6/2011 18:53

Political Theory
Sounds like AV in action, eh Cleggy?
Kevin, Wigan, 1/6/2011 21:14

100m Psychic Hurdles
The only way to get a ticket was to visualize it; see it in your hand, and to think positive. If you didn't do that then it's your own fault. Same goes for the athlete's. They must visualize the gold medal, remember what they have been told about how 'you' can do anything you want, and think positive. Don't think about how there's only one gold medal for each event! Then when you win say it's because we can all do anything we want, and hold yourself up as an example of the power of positive thinking.
Walter, Phoenix, Oregon, 1/6/2011 21:42

Equality
I think it is disgusting that the disabled athletes have separate events.
LesJo, London, 1/6/2011 17:19

The world would be a finer place if these people got their way. 

Perhaps by the time the next round of tickets goes on sale we’ll have figured out the billing system, amateurised our athletics team and luckily be impoverished and widowed. Meanwhile, the Powers That Be can work on visualising the restoration of the Empire, buying Eliza some trousers and FINALLY allowing wheelchair users to compete in the Free Diving event!