Of Mice And Men

With Sky News and CNN focussing on the siege of Mosul, increasing sectarian violence in the Middle East and the security services monitoring facebook, it’s the BBC that had the Big Story with The Return of Dangermouse.

The intellerati in the comments section rightly focussed on the issues that matter i.e. that you can’t bring back Dangermouse because the country’s gone too PC. As belicajur puts it:

36.

belicajur

3 Hours ago

This will never happen today as Danger Mouse is too white and Penfold isn't black enough. He'll have to change his name to Danga mouse too...

Stonewall will want them to get married in a church, which will make front page news on The Guardian and headlines on the BBC, after first getting kicked out of a B&B for sharing a bed.

Conversely, Piroflip doesn’t think it’ll be Christianity that will make an appearance.

-11

Comment number 139.

piroflip

1 Hour ago

But in keeping with Dr Who style Political Correctness Penfold will now be female and Dangemouse will have converted to islam.

All this time, Karam is secreting something:

-22

Comment number 42.

karam

3 Hours ago

we can find space to discuss DM but not secrete terror courts where the accused will not be able to hear the evidence put against them.

anyway if its not david jason then its not dm

Relevant comment, Karam. How will we ever know if you’re in favour of secret horror courts if you cannot comment?

Meanwhile, Adrian M Lee has a throwdown for anyone who seeks to censor, suppress or repress his comments about Dangermouse.

-12

Comment number 110.

Adrian M Lee

2 Hours ago

OK, what do I think of Danger Mouse returning? Pants.

Now that I have addressed the subject matter, hopefully my posting won't get censored out (sorry, moderated for being off-topic!)

GIVE US PROPER HYS TOPICS!

Proper topics? I’ll tell you this much: if we tolerate the PCing of Dangermouse, then what will be next?

Write to the BBC TODAY, brothers and sisters, before Button Moon and Fraggle Rock are lost to us forever!

Dog Gone

Love it or hate it, Family Guy has gone from obscure cable show to a staple of British television, much like The Simpsons before it, and the Flintstones or indeed any other show that has exactly the same basic premise.

I don’t watch television: I would sooner read an improving book about the Sikkim expedition or similar. However, I do understand its power, and a recent hoax that threatened to kill off the beloved Family Guy character Brian understandably touched a lot of nerves. Quite how, then, Michael Taiker managed to keep it all in perspective I will never know:

Michael Taiker, 1:12 PM on 26/11/2013

@wormcake

"just a cartoon"...........

At a time when the world has been bombarded with ridiculously over the top coverage of the 50th anniversary of the shooting of JFK who was 'just' a politician. He was not a god. He was 'just' a pokitician.

This is serious. Brian was able to shape moral and cultural landscapes. He was way beyond being just a cartoon dog. The impact of his demise will be more far reaching than that of a politician fifty years ago. It is of far greater significance than the demise of that bloke in the Beatles who was shot in New York. It puts the passing of Wacko Jacko in the shade. 'Just a cartoon'. Imagine if you had said that to Walt Disney when he drew that mouse for the first time. In time you will learn.

A couple of tits

Lord Percy has always been on the cutting edge of the news agenda, and once again has the scoop with Angelina Jolie’s breast cancer revelation.

Now, as terrible as it is that she has the condition, we should remember that she did it to herself, as kathhh8 explains:

97. kathhh8

Acidic body pH=cancer.You can prevent this from eating right and being aware of things.Refrain from using toiletrees in 'normal' highstreet shops, and replace them with naturally derived alternatives. Personally I have replaced my branded moisturiser for organic virgin coconut oil. It works better, smells delightful, is completely natural, and it even has health benefits (prevents alzheimer's)

Bloody hell, who knew! Here they are doing all this research into breast cancers and all they needed to do is ban acidic toiletrees! User “They would turn in their graves” agrees, but goes further and tells those bloody arrogant cancer surgeons where they can get off in the process:

22. They would turn in their graves

Women do this kind of stuff. I thought most cancers were lifestyle triggered, the latest being drinking and eating out of heated plastic containers (look it up).

mMen don't seem to want to have their men's areas removed 'to be on the safe side'. Maybe it is just a different attitude to risk or an acceptance of life's uncertainties. Perhaps we just don't want our bits removed. FULL STOP.

Perhaps the most tragic aspect however is that she didn’t even need the surgery, because makarios has heard of someone who can cure cancer but who isn’t very famous - sounds legit.

99. Makarios Nju Nde

It is really a good thing that she did what she did. But in my own humble opinion, i don't think removing ones breast is the best option. I know of One who can heal women around the world who have such problems! You do not need to spent such amounts of money for whatever mastectomy to do operation and replace the breast tissues with artificial something. Ladies think about it!

Well, I hope that Ms Jolie has learned her lesson and will never again have unnecessary surgery which is of course so unbefitting of a Hollywood actress.

Publish and be damned

In amongst all the hand-wringing over the Newtown shootings, there is at least one lone voice in the wilderness who sees the crux of the problem - not enough guns in schools. More importantly than that, not enough God in schools.

Introducing Bryan Fisher, head of Issues Research at the American family Association. Not for him the issues of social alienation and gun control: For him the solution is simple - arm the teachers and let God back into the classroom.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Two problems with schools: they are gun-free zones and God-free zones. The second problem the most important to solve.

As you will be aware, most schools have a policy of escorting god from the premises upon sight, and some have filed restraining orders requiring Him to come no closer than ten feet from the site perimeter, leaving Him powerless but to hurl autographed bibles over the playground wall and try to strike up conversations with parents on the school run. Then, on the fateful day that a heavily-armed lunatic attacks the school, He can only stand by and watch rather than rushing to intervene, perhaps with a thunderbolt, perhaps with His karate.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

We've spent 50 years kicking God out of our public schools, then wonder why he's not around when we need him.

But what can we do? Well, firstly we need to completely overhaul our prayer strategy:

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Huckabee is right: we should pray to God BEFORE these tragedies instead of waiting until it's too late.

We’ve been fools. There we are praying for the souls of the departed, when we could have called on god to find the would-be perpetrator to preemptively kick the little shit’s backside before he has a chance to get into his battle fatigues! God often works in mysterious, imperceptible ways but I’m imagining something like Final Destination, where our would-be assailant is chopped up by his own electric toothbrush, or impaled by a canoe.

However, even this radical course of action is not foolproof. God may be omnipotent, omnipresent and able to intervene directly in human events, but this has limits. The only way to be sure our children are safe is to arm the teachers.

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Shooters attack an elementary school in CT - another "gun-free zone." Makes children sitting ducks. http://www.kltv.com/story/20345707/school-shooting-reported-in-newtown …

What teacher, instead of bundling their kids into cupboards, wouldn’t prefer to get into a shootout with a suicidal maniac with a machine gun? This leads us to a secondary issue of what guns our teachers should be packing. A .45 is fine for a grocery store holdup, but what’s important is equivalence, which is why I will be calling for all teachers to be issued with an Uzi, two grenades and a Kalashnikov.

Of course, guns and god aren’t the only topics playing on Mr Fischer’s mind, which is why I’m sure he’ll make a fascinating dinner guest with his thesis on gay marriage:

Bryan Fischer ‏@BryanJFischer

Gays already have full marriage equality: can marry one adult, non-relative member of opposite sex like everybody else.

Magnificent! You see, marriages didn’t occur before Christianity in every recorded civilisation on earth, and certainly never between people of the same gender!

I am of course concerned that Mr Fischer doesn’t abide by the other commands of the Bible, such as refraining from shellfish, stoning blasphemers and growing a beard, but I’m sure he will have a really well-reasoned argument why God doesn’t mind him breaking His immutable word, not to mention why he should be critical of the tax regime, when it has been established by God himself:

Romans 13:2

"Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves."

Badly stuffed

Cruising the interwebs with my Assistant Leroy (he operates the mouse, I bark instructions - “left”, “right”, “cats please” etc) I was delighted to come across this post from the ever-delightful Daily Mail on the lost art of taxidermy. 

It seems that these hapless plebs have been ROBBING THE DIGNITY of animals, who otherwise would have enjoyed the dignified end of having a spike driven up their arsehole and mounted, when what should we see?! A FUNNY-LOOKING LADY!!!!!

The intellerati of the Mail were there quick as a flash to point out to the woman that her face was indeed HILARIOUSLY UGLY! This is good because otherwise she’d have had no way of knowing that she looked like a dog - no offense, of course. Here are the Top Ten rated comments:

I don't know who looks worse on the 6th picture down. The woman or the dog!?....- Molkomad, Leeds, 19/9/2012 15:37 

that women looks just like that dog....no offence to her...just unfortunate face- yaz, brum, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 15:42

The human with the dog, could you please state which one of them is stuffed! to me the dog looks better than the girl - blueyonda, espoo, 19/9/2012 16:08

Ha ha ha hilarious! The woman with the dog is uglier than the dog....- carlinc, cheltenham UK, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 16:55 

That's alright, I didn't really want to sleep tonight anyway...- Jakers, Worcester, 19/9/2012 15:36

was the woman stuffed in 6th picture? - the lady...., residing in suffolk, United Kingdom, 19/9/2012 16:07

All pretty terrible, but I think the most disturbing image is that woman's face :/ - BB, Birmingham, 19/9/2012 22:51

I love the birds playing pool!!! And yes, sadly, the woman looks much uglier than the dog - Mike Oxlong, Cockburn Town, Australia, 19/9/2012 16:17

Lovely, lovely people all of them. It just makes me glad to know that if I were ever to suffer a disfigurement, be born with a face outside of the normal range or just indeed be photographed at an unfortunate angle, the fine, upstanding readers of the daily Mail will be there to laugh and point.

Oh, Jesus

You know, I love the Daily Mail as much as the next man. It’s just so normal isn’t it? It just says what people should be thinking. And if they’re not, then they should be forced to think it.

There is one exception however. A recent story where they have playfully suggested that the Bible is not the One True Word of Almighty God. According to some heretics, the Bible was just a compendium of differing accounts of Jesus and several accounts had to be modified or discarded as they claimed diametrically opposed teachings.

I am of the more sensible view that it was all written at once and anyone who produces documentary evidence to the contrary is the devil who has taken a human form. But I am not going to debate this now, because there is no need to. Produce all the “proof” you want that there are multiple interpretations, or that the whole thing is just some made-up nonsense but know this:

some research cannot be the basis for denying what we have been taught since birth..

- roma, india, 19/9/2012 6:17

We are unshakable in our faith.

A couple of tits

Oh so now it’s Kate Middleton topless is it? Eh?! ALRIGHT is it? Just a bit of HARMLESS FUN is it Kate? NO! It’s a BLOODY OUTRAGE is what it is!

I am seething. You can have a lot of things in this modern ENGLAND. I’ll let you have your Tescos Metros, your internet. I quite like microwaves! But the FUTURE QUEEN with her BAPS. OUT. I’m afraid is a BIG! FAT! NO!

I’m sorry. I need to calm down. Look at this rationally. How did this come to pass?

lewis j cook knows:

“the bb gen were ww3 gen but now their 666 tv sex revolution made offspring falsely assume this 666 tv and tv govt is the way of the new milleneum.” lewis j cook

Are you sure? Are you saying we should have had a war, but instead got caught up with 666 tv sex? And what does this have to do with the Queen’s tits?

“this is the 1964 british perpetuated sex revolution comeing back to haunt the british monarchy who perpetuated this in usa to subvert the usa .” lewis j cook

Oh I see! It was the Royals who attempted to subvert the USA with a 666 tv sex revolution. Who knew they had it in them?! Still, I’m not sure the tone is yet vindictive enough...

“Don't know why we are too surprised the French would sell their own grandmothers for few francs sums up there Country and their culture. We should have left them under German rule.....well they are now anyway!!” wythall wanderer

That’s much better, thank you. BLOODY FROGS! Sell their own grandmothers for an onion they would or a bottle of wine or a bike or a stripy jumper or an accordion, some frogs legs, a tower, some bread or just a big box of Surrender.

The last word has to go to Stevio, though. Because, when our future Queen goes on holiday to France and is snapped with a long lens by a paparazzoid, one issue stands out above them all:

“If only the Muslim community could have vented their anger on a public forum over that 'controversial' film, rather than going on a killing rampage.” stevio

Precisely.