Magic 8 Ball

It’s been quiet here at The Hall.

I stand here looking at the dining room - quiet now, although the ghosts of silent laughter from guests passim, the great tales that have been told by my guests over the weeks and months echoing in my mind and the “Pakkis go home” etched into surface of my Jacobean dining table tell a tale of a project well conceived.

But what to do about my Great Loneliness?

The answer lies in organisation. I need a dinner guest who can see the world for what it is- full of people infinitely less wise than themselves and able to instantly divine the correct course of action.

A man like Richard J Dolan. Try it- chuck a topic his way and watch him catch it, examine it, skewer it with insight and hurl it back at you wrapped in TRUTH, exactly like the Magic 8 Ball I use to decide most of my important decisions. I’ll start. Ermmm. 

Q: What are the motives behind the assasination of of a leading member of a Pakistani political party? (shake, shake, shake)

Dolantruth:  “The answer is simply we seem to welcome BENEFIT SCROUNGERS !”

Wow. I’ll try another. 

Q: What do we think about 14,000 women and children fleeing violence in the Ivory Coast? (shake, shake, shake)

Dolantruth: “Give them aid and the money goes on guns, explosives and their so called leaders also put money away in Swiss Bank Accounts awaiting a rainy day....They are their own worst enemies and you cannot keep throwing money away at their problems, caused by their own stupidity.”

Alright. Q: What do we think about the drowning of a beloved and respected Professor? (shake, shake, drop, pick up, shake, shake, shake)

Dolantruth: “one must always wear a life jacket no ,matter how short the journey.”

 Q: Is Dominic Strauss-Kahn guilty of rape? (tip)

Dolantruth: “Look, just lock her up. It is clearly a set up and send her back to where the came from. We all know what sort of woman she is !”

A womaney women, I’ll warrant. A viper’s nest of deceit and evidence. 

Q: Pastor Terry Jones burning a Koran? (spin, shake, shake, shake)

Dolantruth: “Why oh why do the Muslims behave like this ?”

 Q: Murder case botched? (shakity, shake, shake. Drop, shake shake)

Dolantruth: Bring back George Dixon and his colleagues.

The world is a simpler place with Richard J Dolan in it. I so want him here I will dispatch one of my Assistants to go to his home, persuade him to leave, wash him if necessary and protect him on the short journey ‘twixt house and car.

Cuntington Hall shall rise again!